It's been a while..

The last time I wrote I was fairly new to my chosen industry and it was autumn and just starting to get cold out. Currently I've started working at a new job and I've been there for 2 months now, I'm really enjoying it and I think it was just the change I needed career-wise. I live in Minnesota though, and its winter, and its been so bitter cold you can basically feel your skin burn when you go outside. I've honestly had moments I've thought my fingers were going to fall off.

As far as my personal life goes, I'm still single, very single. In the past couple months this hasn't been bothering me so much. Alas, in about 2 weeks comes the dreaded Valentines day. When I was growing up and in high school it never really bugged me that I was single on this romantic day. The past few years though I haven't been single for it. So this is the first year in my adult life I have to deal with valentines day alone. I'm actually sort of scared, and I have a feeling its really going to be a hard day for me. Hell, I'll be completely honest and say the thought of it even makes me tear up.  I guess I'll just have to see how it goes, and maybe I'll just have to get wasted and find some fellow single friends (Do I even really have any anymore?) and go out and find something fun and interesting to do.

This is lovely..

Sleeping my life away

I feel like I'm sleeping my life away! At the same time I feel like I have some variation of insomnia. Its really difficult for me to sleep at night, I toss and turn and just can't fall asleep. Yet once morning comes I'm like sleeping beauty. I feel like a damn vampire. The main problem with this is my days off usually consist of me sleeping into the afternoon and staying up until around 2 in the morning. The main issue with this is once I have to go back to work and wake up early I'm screwed, and tired, and coffee only makes me shake like I'm on crack.

I need to fix this!

Waiting

So it seems that I'm always waiting on other people to make up their minds before I can figure out the direction my life is going to go in.

Sometimes I think people just don't come to a decision or tell me the decision they've made because they know it won't work out favorably for them, and they want to keep things under wraps in their own heads because it gives them control over the situation.

The problem with this is that I'm waiting around for them to make up their minds...I'm waiting around..for 2 months.

Isn't 2 months long enough to make a decision on if you want to continue something or not? Or do you just not want to tell me what you want to do because it would then mean that I'm not part of your life at all? I hate being "stuck in the middle" because its where I feel like I'm at right now, and its an uncomfortable place to be.

I have a feeling that sometime in the near future someone I'm very close to won't be in my life anymore....its sad really.

I think I'm crazy...certainly.

There's a name that I hate. That I absolutely fucking hate! Now why would I just hate a name? It seems like the men I've been involved with in my life are all linked to a woman with this name. Now this is a name I always thought was really ugly, because most people I'd ever encountered with the name were ugly. It also seems like a lot of women in movies and on television have this name. Like its a general go-to name when they can't think of anything else. I'm choosing not to share what the name is because I hate to even say it. I hate to hear it. Its the ugliest name ever.



I am fucking crazy.

Decision Making

So I've been told on various occasions that I'm a very indecisive person. When it comes down to it though I think I'm absolutely not. I think other people tend to make my decisions for me. I don't mean necessarily telling me exactly what to say. People really try to sway me into one direction because its obvious that if I go with another they'll be upset over it...Yet they tell me I have to choose. Or when I do make a flat out decision it will in some way get denied. So perhaps this is why I have shitty decision making skills? Maybe its because my decisions are never "right" for other people. I put so me emphasis on keeping others happy with what I choose that I'm always afraid of choosing the wrong thing, and to be honest there are plenty of times I haven't even gone with the choice I completely wanted. I feel like all of the important decisions in my life were pushed on me by other people. Am I ever going to live my life and do the things that I really want to? And be happy doing them, without feeling like I've let someone down?

Relationships, families..yada yada yada

So...I've come to realize that I've gotten to the point in my life where it isn't out of place for people to ask if I'm married or if I have any kids. My immediate thought to these questions is "Uh...I'm waaaay too young!" I don't say it though. Then I really think, and realize how many people I graduated from high school with are married and/or have children. Its actually kind of a lot. Now, I'm just a single young woman who's career is starting and honestly marriage and starting a family are pretty far back in my mind. I've had a couple long and serious relationships, but alas they've failed. The fact that people ask me if I am married and have kids makes me sort of wonder "am I supposed to?..Am I really at the point in my life when I need to think about my personal future and not just my career?"...It's so confusing really. Personally, when it comes to the "finding a man" front for me I honestly just want to date and I want to see it as something fun for me to do in my free time, and not as a mission to find a husband, because frankly its really really important for me to find the right guy instead of settling for someone who will do, or someone who treats me like dirt. I think this is how every one should view dating, no one said you have to get married, statistics are on your side if you want to though.